Here is the official "sequel" to
"Blues For Beginners" or "How To Sing the Blues" -
*****
"Blues for Advanced Beginners"
by Judith Podell
"Woke up this morning and went back to sleep..."
-- "Epstein-Barre Blues"
attributed to Memphis Earline Gray
1. You have an inalienable right to sing the blues if you were born under a bad sign. Capricorn is a bad sign to be born under. Jesus was one. So was Nixon.
2. The right to sing the blues may be earned if you:
a. suffer
b. lose
c. pay some dues
3. It's not the blues when your loss is tax deductable.
4. Some examples of dues:
a. working for the man
b. hating your day job
c. losing your man
5. Some forms of suffering that will never be blues - worthy:
a. anorexia nervosa
b. low LSAT's
6. It's the blues if you:
a. wish you'd never been born
b. feel like a motherless child
7. If your mother is dead and you miss her it's Country.
8. Good times to have the blues are:
a. Christmas
b. Mother's Day
c. every night when the sun goes down
9. You can't sing the blues in Chinese.
"Mouth full of toothache
Head full of network news
Gonna go downtown
Buy some alligator shoes"--
"Silverpoint Blues"
attributed to Blind Drunk Johnson
10. Blues women never sing "Send in the Clowns".
They pack heat and eat meat.
11. Just because you shot that two-timing man doesn't automatically make you a blues woman, but it's a good start. So is buying him an Armani suit, or paying his child support.
12. Blues sports are:
a. drinking
b. gambling
c. running around
13. Blues men are not team players.
14. You can't sing the blues in Gore-Tex.
15. The following drugs don't belong in the blues:
a. ecstasy
b. speed
c. multi-vitamins
16. Blues women don't wear Chanel. Other fashion no-no's:
a. running shoes
b. lace
c. Botox
17. Blues men don't get born again.
18. There is no word in French for "hellhound".
19. You can't sing the blues in French,
not even if you are blind.
*****
Excerpted from "May Contain Nuts"
(Harper Collins, Perennial Currents imprint, 2004)
Copyright 2003 by Judith Podell
used by kind permission from the author.
Eli Dr. Blues Marcus - Blues, Blues, Blues, and some other stuff too...
Showing posts with label how to sing the blues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to sing the blues. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Blues For Beginners - by Judith Podell
In early 1997, Judith Podell published an essay on "How to Sing the Blues" in Wordrights Magazine.
Without her permission, it was transcribed and distributed around the world via email and various websites. In most cases, the text was modified, added to, some parts were completely changed, and in almost all cases the original author credit was missing.
By way of trying to right the wrong, I present the original text that was published in Judith Podell's book "Blues For Beginners and Other Obsessions" (Argonne House Press, 2001)
You can read a few more essays by Judith in my recent entries here
"Blues For Advanced Beginners"
"Animal Behavior"
"Death of the Blues"
*****
Blues For Beginners
by Judith Podell
woke up this morning
cat threw a hairball on the bed.
said, i woke up this morning
cat puke all over the bed.
went to the kitchen
mr. coffee was dead.
"Post-Graduate Blues,"
(attrib. to Memphis Earline Gray)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
i got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.
3. The Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.
he got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pound.
4. The Blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers cant' sing the blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression. Chicago, St Louis and Kasas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. orange
b. beige
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a honky-tonk. The lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied.
No if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf.
13. Neither Frank Sinatra nor Meryl Streep can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby give you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whisky
c. muddy water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
16. Some blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
17. Some blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Joe,
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia will not be permitted sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
*****
Copyright - 1997 by Judith Podell and 2001 by The Argonne House Press
used by kind permission from the author.
Without her permission, it was transcribed and distributed around the world via email and various websites. In most cases, the text was modified, added to, some parts were completely changed, and in almost all cases the original author credit was missing.
By way of trying to right the wrong, I present the original text that was published in Judith Podell's book "Blues For Beginners and Other Obsessions" (Argonne House Press, 2001)
You can read a few more essays by Judith in my recent entries here
"Blues For Advanced Beginners"
"Animal Behavior"
"Death of the Blues"
*****
Blues For Beginners
by Judith Podell
woke up this morning
cat threw a hairball on the bed.
said, i woke up this morning
cat puke all over the bed.
went to the kitchen
mr. coffee was dead.
"Post-Graduate Blues,"
(attrib. to Memphis Earline Gray)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
i got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.
3. The Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.
he got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pound.
4. The Blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers cant' sing the blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression. Chicago, St Louis and Kasas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. orange
b. beige
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a honky-tonk. The lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied.
No if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf.
13. Neither Frank Sinatra nor Meryl Streep can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby give you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whisky
c. muddy water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
16. Some blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
17. Some blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Joe,
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia will not be permitted sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
*****
Copyright - 1997 by Judith Podell and 2001 by The Argonne House Press
used by kind permission from the author.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Death of the Blues - humor by Judith Podell
In early 1997, Judith Podell published an essay on "How to Sing the Blues" in Wordrights Magazine. Without her permission, someone transcribed it and began mailing it around the world and spreading it all over the Internet. After years of following the "How to Sing the Blues" legend around and only finding cold dead-end leads, I found a copy of her collected essays "Blues For Beginners and Other Obsessions" (Argonne House Press, 2001) which contains the original essay. Determined to find the author, and following some intensive internet detective work, I recently managed to contact Judith and received her permission to publicize the closing essay in the book.
Please remember that this is copyrighted material, and if you like it, please give credit when you quote it!
>>We have all wondered and speculated from time to time about what would happen if a certain cultural icon or hero had not died young. What if Jimi Hendrix had awoken from his drunken stupor in that flat in London on September 18th and lived to be 66 years old? Judith Podell has answered some of these questions for us in the following essay.<<
*****
Death of the Blues
by Judith Podell
copyright 2001
Vienna, 1902. Sigmund Freud seeking non-addictive cocaine substitute discovers Prozac. Revises Civilization and Its Discontents to add happy ending, repudiates psychoanalysis. Incidence of neurasthenia plummets, as does Jewish birth rate. Apprentice pastry-chef Ludwig Wittgenstein invents the Sacher-Masoch tort.
Prague, 1912. Franz Kafka moves out of parents' house, marries. Writes Metamorphosis, popular children's story about a man who turns into a great big bug and has many exciting adventures.
London, 1920. T.S. Eliot tears up drafts of Wasteland, tells Ezra Pound he wants to write show tunes for shop girls and live on the Riviera. Teams up with George Geshwin to write Cats!.
Memphis, 1926. Bessie Smith quits Vaudeville, opens beauty parlor. Robert Johnson tries to buy back soul from the devil, struck by lightening.
Berlin, 1933. Metamophosis adapted for stage. Lotte Lenya sings the Ballad of Max the Roach. Burning of the Reichstag.
London, 1944. Churchill takes up exercise and quits smoking for the duration of the Blitz. House and Garden editor Virginia Woolf urges wartime Britain 'think Chintz'. 10,000th performance of Cats!.
1952. Dixieland legend Miles Davis quits show business to attend Dental School. Billie Holiday records White Chrstmas with Perry Como.
1956. Steep decline in alcoholism, Soviet birthrate. Nikita Krushchev tells U.S. "We will bury you - in cheap household appliances". Russia leads world in production of hair dryers and toasters.
1964. Lawrence Welk named Downbeat Musician of the Year. Battle of the Bands won by British barbershop quartet, Rolling Stones.
1970. Janis Joplin passes California Bar. Green Beret Jim Morrison missing in action. Billie Holiday stars in revival of Cats.
1978. Sylvia Plath marries Ernest Hemmingway, opens first bed and breakfast in Ketchum.
1984. IPO for Sylvia Plath Lifestyle, Inc. withdrawn after hunting accident.
2000, Memphis. Stash of old records found in yard sale. rare performances by Robert Johnson, Bukka White, and Son House. Antiques Roadshow estimates value at $5.
Nobody gets the blues.
*****
Click here to purchase your own copy of "Blues For Beginners and Other Obsessions" from Amazon.com
You can read more essays by Judith in my recent entries here:
"Blues For Advanced Beginners"
"Animal Behavior"
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