Blues for Advanced Beginners - Judith Podell

Here is the official "sequel" to
"Blues For Beginners" or "How To Sing the Blues" -

*****
"Blues for Advanced Beginners"
by Judith Podell

"Woke up this morning and went back to sleep..."
-- "Epstein-Barre Blues"
attributed to Memphis Earline Gray


1. You have an inalienable right to sing the blues if youwere born under a bad sign. Capricorn is a bad sign to be born under. Jesus was on. So was Nixon.

2. The right to sing the blues may be earned if you:
a. suffer
b. lose
c. pay some dues

3. It's not the blues when your loss is tax deductable.

4. Some examples of dues:
a. working for the man
b. hating your day job
c. losing your man

5. Some forms of suffering that will never be blues - worthy:
a. anorexia nervosa
b. low LSAT's

6. It's the blues if you:
a. wish you'd never been born
b. feel like a motherless child

7. If your mother is dead and you miss her it's Country.

8. Good times to have the blues are:
a. Christmas
b. Mother's Day
c. every night when the sun goes down

9. You can't sing the blues in Chinese.

"Mouth full of toothache
Head full of network news
Gonna go downtown
Buy some alligator shoes"
-- "Silverpoint Blues"
attributed to Blind Drunk Johnson

10. Blues women never sing "Send in the Clowns". They pack heat and eat meat.

11. Just because you shot that two-timing man doesn't automatically make you a blues woman, but it's a good start. So is buying him an Armani suit, or paying his child support.

12. Blues sports are:
a. drinking
b. gambling
c. running around

13. Blues men are not team players.

14. You can't sing the blues in Gore-Tex.

15. The following drugs don't belong in the blues:
a. ecstacy
b. speed
c. multi-vitamins

16. Blues women don't wear Chanel. Other fashion no-no's:
a. running shoes
b. lace
c. Botox

17. Blues men don't get born again.

18. There is no word in French for "hellhound".

19. You can't sing the blues in French, not even if you are blind.


*****
Excerpted from "May Contain Nuts"
(Harper Collins, Perennial Currents imprint, 2004)
Copyright 2003 by Judith Podell
used by kind permission from the author.